Likle Johnny and Raw Materials

In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials; So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"

Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is
worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."

The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette".

The teacher smiled and then called on Likle Johnny. Likle Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"

He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"

Likle Johnny and The Fireman

A man walking on the sidewalk noticed Likle Johnny was a block ahead wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large black Rottweiler.

When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Likle Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.

Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."

"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."

Likle Johnny in Biology Class : Animals That Stutter

Little Johnny is sitting in a biology class,and the teacher says that an interesting phenomenon of nature is that only humans stutter, no other animal in the world does this.

Johnny's hand shoots up. "Not correct, Miss!" he says.

"Please explain, Johnny," replies the teacher.

"Well, Miss, the other day I was playing with my cat on the verandah. The neighbours' Great Dane came around the corner, and my cat went "ffffffffff! ffffffffffff! ffffffffff!", and before he could say "FUCK OFF!", the dog ate him!"

Choose Your Battles

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAt until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door,
laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

Stuff You Never Want To Hear During Surgery

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Damn, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

"What do you mean you want a divorce?"

I Want to Buy That

A blonde goes into a nearby store and asks a clerk if she can purchase the TV in the corner.

The clerk looks at her and says that he doesn't serve blondes, so she goes back home and dyes her hair black.

The next day she returns to the store and asks the same thing, and again, the clerk said he doesn't serve blondes.

Frustrated, the blonde goes home and dyes her hair yet again, to a shade of red.

Sure that a clerk would sell her the TV this time, she returns and asks a different clerk this time.

To her astonishment, this clerk also says that she doesn't serve blondes.

The blonde asks the clerk, "How in the world do you know I am a blonde?"

The clerk looks at her disgustedly and says,"That's not a TV -- it's a microwave!"

Got Any Grapes?

A duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have
any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck
returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and
the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks
"Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in
here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time
that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and
ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left,
and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The
clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

Likle Johnny and His Dad

The English teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that
happened during the past week. Likle Johnny got up and read his essay. He
began, "My dad fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said Johnny. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."

Paint My Porch!

A teenager wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any jobs for him to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much
will you charge?"
The kid said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told him
that the paint and ladders he might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does that boy realize that the porch goes all the way around
the house?" The man replied, "He should. He was standing on the
porch."
A short time later, the teen came to the door to collect his money.
"You're finished already?" asked the man. "Yes," the teen answered, "and I
had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the
way," the teen added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

City Farmer

A city teen moves to the country and joins the 4-H Club. For his first project,
he selects raising chickens. He heads to the local co-op and tells the man, "Give me
100 baby chickens." The co-op man complies.
A week later the teen comes back to the co-op and says, "Give me 200 baby chickens."
The co-op man complies.
Again, a week later the teen returns. This time he says, "Give me 500
baby chickens." "Wow!" the co-op man replies, "You must really be
doing well!"
"Naw," said the teen with a sigh, "I'm either planting them too deep or
too far apart!"

Wrong Number: College Edition

It was last Wednesday night, and Mark was sitting in his dorm room watching
television when the phone rang. "Hello?" he said.
A girl's voice came over the line. "Can I speak to Ben, please?"
Mark who lives by himself, and whose name definitely is not Ben thought it was probably
a wrong number but was bored decided to play along. "I'm sorry, he's not in right
now. Can I take a message?"
"Do you know what time he'll be back?" she responded.
Mark replied "I think he said he'd be home around 10:00."
Silence on the other end... a confused silence. "Is this Steve?"
Having enjoying himself so far Mark responded, "Yes, it is. Do you want to leave a message for Ben?"
"Well... he said he would be home tonight and asked me to call him,"
she said in a slightly irritated voice.
He replied, "Well, he went out with Karen about an hour ago, and said
that he would be back at 10:00."
A shocked voice now: "Who's Karen?!"
"The girl he went out with."
"I know that! I mean... who is she?"
"I don't know her last name. Look, do you want me to leave a message
for Ben?"
"Yes... please do. Tell him to call me when he gets home."
She was sounding pretty irate at this point, and he could hear her temper
flaring. "I sure will. Is this Jennifer?"
She exploded, "Who's Jennifer?"
Apparently she wasn't. "Well... he's going out with Jennifer at 10:00. I
thought you were her. Sorry... it was an honest mistake."
"Ben's the one that's made the mistake! Tell him that Alice called him and
she's very upset and that I would like him to call me as soon as he gets home."
Mark smiled and said, "Okay, I will... but Becky isn't going to like this..."

Ways To Lower The Phone Bill

The house phone bill was exceptionally high, so the man of the house called a family meeting on a Saturday morning after breakfast.

Dad: People, 'ere mi now - Dis wrong. You haffi cut back pon the long distance and cell phone calls dat unuh mekking on the house phone. De phone bill getting very high, and me not even use the house phone fi dem calls any more. Mi use the one ah mi office.

Mum: Same here. Mi hardly use de house phone, because mi mek most of those calls pon mi work phone.

Son: Me too. Mi stop use the house phone long time. Mi always use mi company mobile weh dem gimme.

Helper (Maid): So, wha de problem? Look like all ah wi a use wi work phone then!

Be Careful OF What You Say To Kids

Little Johnny, at a wedding looks at his mom and says, "Mommy, why does the girl wear white?"

His mom replies, "The bride is in white because she's happy and this is the happiest day of her life."

Little Johnny thinks about this, and then says, "Well then, why is the boy wearing black?"

Row Row Row Your Boat

Two blondes were driving along a road by a wheat field when they saw a blonde in the middle of the field rowing a row boat.

The driver blonde turned to her friend and said "You know - it's blondes like that that give us a bad name!"

To this, the other blonde replies "I know it, and if I knew how to swim, I'd go out there and drown her."

Actual Questions Asked

Now doctor, isn't it true that when a person dies in his sleep, in most cases he just passes quietly away and doesn't know anything about it until the next morning?

Q: What happened then?
A: He told me, he says, "I have to kill you because you can identify me."
Q: Did he kill you?

Q:Was it you or your brother that was killed in the war?
A:The youngest son, the 20-year-old, how old is he?

Q: She had three children, right?
A: Yes.
Q: How many were boys?
A: None.
Q: Were there any girls?

Q: I show you Exhibit 3 and ask you if you recognize that picture?
A: That's me.
Q: Were you present when that picture was taken?

The Wrong Side

A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.

After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.

He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.

He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.

"You got a problem, buddy?"

"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."

A Drunk Night Out

A man walks into the front door of a bar. He is obviously drunk. he staggers up to the bar, seats himself on a stool, and with a belch, asks the bartender for a drink.

The bartender politely informs the man that it appears that he has already had plenty to drink--he could not be served additional liquor at this bar but could get a cab called for him.

The drunk is briefly surprised then softly scoffs, grumbles, climbs down off the bar stool, and staggers out the front door.

A few minutes later, the same drunk stumbles in the side door of the bar. He wobbles up to the bar and hollers for a drink. The bartender comes over, and still politely--but more firmly refuses service to the man due to his inebriation. Again, the bartender offers to call a cab for him.

The drunk looks at the bartender for a moment angrily, curses, and shows himself out the side door, all the while grumbling and shaking his head.

A few minutes later, the same drunk bursts in through the back door of the bar. He plops himself up on a bar stool, gathers his wits, and belligerently orders a drink.

The bartender comes over and emphatically reminds the man that he is clearly drunk, will be served no drinks, and either a cab or the police will be called immediately.

The surprised drunk looks at the bartender and in hopeless anguish, cries "Man! How many bars do you work at?"

Point Well Taken. LOL!!

A man drinks a shot of whiskey every night before bed. After years of this, the wife wants him to quit, so she gets two shot glasses, filling one with water and the other with whiskey.

After getting him to the table that had the glasses, she brings his bait/tackle box. She says "Mark, I want you to see this." She puts a worm in the water it, and it swims around.

She puts a worm in the whiskey, and the worm dies immediately. She then says, feeling that she has made her point clear, "what do you have to say about this experiment?"

He responds by saying: "Yeah. If I drink whiskey, I won't get worms!"

Imaginary snakes

The drunk was floundering down the alley carrying a box with holes on the side. He bumped into a friend who asked, "What do you have in there, pal?"

"A mongoose."

"What for?"

"Well, you know how drunk I can get. When I get drunk I see snakes, and I'm scared to death of snakes. That's why I got this mongoose, for protection."

"But," the friend said, "you idiot! Those are imaginary snakes."

"That's okay," said the drunk, showing his friend the interior of the box, "So is the mongoose."