The Minister and Hymn No.365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon in Jamaica one Sunday. With great emphasis he said, "If i had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said. "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the white rum and Appleton in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With the sermon complete, he sat down feeling good after delivering such an enthusiastic speech on the evils of alcohol. The hymn leader being a lover of his white rum decided to have a little fun. He stood up smiling and nearly laughing, said, "For our closing hymn, let us sing Hymn No.365, 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

Only in Jamaica

[ Air conditioner and Satellite Dish in a 1 bedroom house ...maadd tings]

[ I guess this 1 speaks for itself]

What pigeons do in their spare time

No wonder their aim is so good....[wiping off dropping]

Woman with crazy driving skills

What sex should a computer be???

A SPANISH Teacher was explaining to her class that in Spanish, unlike English, nouns are designated as either masculine or feminine.

'House' for instance, is feminine: 'la casa..'
'Pencil,' however, is masculine: 'el lapiz.'

A student asked, 'What gender is 'computer'?'

Instead of giving the answer, the teacher split the class into two
groups, male and female, and asked them to decide for themselves whether computer' should be a masculine or a feminine noun. Each group was asked to give four reasons for its recommendation.

The men's group decided that 'computer' should definitely be of the feminine gender ('la computadora'), because:

1. No one but their creator understands their internal logic;

2 The native language they use to communicate with other computers is incomprehensible to everyone else;

3. Even the smallest mistakes are stored in long term memory for possible later retrieval; and

4. As soon as you make a commitment to one, you find yourself
spending half your paycheck on accessories for it.

The women's group, however, concluded that computers should be Masculine ('el computador'), because:

1. In order to do anything with them, you have to turn them on;

2. They have a lot of data but still can't think for themselves;

3. They are supposed to help you solve problems, but half the time they ARE the problem; and

4. As soon as you commit to one, you realize that if you had waited a little longer, you could have gotten a better model.


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WORLD'S FASTEST ANIMALS

Marine mammal: On October 12, 1958 a bull killer whale (Orcinus Ocra) measuring an estimated 6.1-7.6m [20-25ft] in length was timed at 55.5km/h [34.5mph] in the east pacific. However, some say that the common dolphin is the fastest animal clocking amazing speeds of up to 64km/h [39.8mph].

Land mammal: The cheetah can reach speeds of 70 mph (yes miles per hour) to 75 mph, there main downfall is their stamina. They can only maintain this speed for short period of bursts up to 460 m (500 yards). For example many antelope species can easily outrun a cheetah over a long distance. The cheetah must catch an antelope in the first minute or less of the chase; after that the cheetah has to slow down but the antelope does not. In comparison to cars a cheetah has the ability to accelerate from 0 to 110 km/h [68 mph] in three seconds, faster than most super cars.

Fish: The fastest fish is the Indo-Pacific sailfish which can grow to over 3.4 m in total length and 100 kg in weight. They have clocked speeds of up to 110km/h [ 68 mph] over short periods.

Bird: Fastest in this category is the peregrine. "The peregrine is most completely adapted to long distance hunting on the wing. In horizontal swoop dives, it reaches extraordinary speeds. The swooping speed of one which wintered on the tower of Cologne Cathedral and hunted pigeons from there was measured accurately at 70-90 meters per second." On average they reach speeds of up to 241.4 km/h [150 mph].

Insect: The fastest airborne insect is the dragonfly at speeds of up to 57.9 km/h [36 miles per hour]. The fastest land based insect is yes, you might have guessed it is the tropical cockroach [no wonder they are so hard to catch]. With speeds of up to 5.4 km/h [3.36 mph] or 50 body lengths per second.

Reptile: Turtles may move very slowly on land, but in the water the Pacific leathferback turtle is the fastest reptile of all. It is more streamlined than other turtles and can swim at 35 km/h [21.7 mph].

Internet radio for pets???

There is an internet radio station for yes you saw right, pets. This station was started by Adrian Martinez (owner of approximately six cats and two dogs)for those people who felt guilty leaving their pets at home alone while they are at work. The name of the website is called www.DogCatRadio.com and has atleast 4 DJs streaming live, animal-related/themed programs 17hours each day. There is even a "Spanish Hour" for "bilingual" animals [weird huh]. Popular song requests include the Baha Men's "who Let the Dogs Out" and Elvis Presley's "Hound Dog".


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This picture was taken from www.DogCatRadio.com and this picture is intended solely for entertainment purposes and simply meant to help bring humor and entertainment to the readers of my blog from all over the world. I mean no disrespect or mis-intent to any one individual or group of individuals. If harm is done please contact the administrator and the picture will be removed.

Interesting tattoo

This guy thought he had the best tattoo in the world......

UNTIL HE WENT TO PRISON.............

Why Parents Drink

A Mother passing by her son's bedroom was astonished to see that his bed was nicely made and everything was picked up.  Then she saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow that was addressed to 'Mom'. With great trepidation she opened the envelope with trembling hands and read the letter.

        Dear Mom:
        It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you.  I had to elope with my new girlfriend because I wanted to avoid a scene with Dad and you. I have been finding real passion with Stacy and she is so nice. But I knew you would not approve of her because of all her piercings, tattoos, tight motorcycle clothes and the fact that she is much older than I am. But it's not only the passion...Mom she's pregnant.
       

 Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a trailer in the woods and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having many more children.
        

Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it for ourselves and trading it with the other people who live nearby for cocaine and ecstasy.

        In the meantime we will pray that science will find a cure for AIDS so Stacy can get better. She deserves it. Don't worry Mom I'm 15 and I know how to take care of myself. Someday I'm sure that we will be back to visit so that you can get to know your grandchildren.

        Love,
        Your Son Paul
 

        P.S. Mom, none of the above is true. I'm over at Dustin's house.  I just wanted to remind you that there are worse things in life than the report card that's in my center desk drawer.  I love you. Call me when it's safe to come home.

Sex in the Dark

There was this couple that had been married for 20 years. 
Every time they made love the husband always insisted on shutting off the 
light. 
Well, after 20 years the wife felt this was ridiculous. 
She figured she would break him out of this crazy habit. 
So one night, while they were in the middle of a wild, screaming, romantic 
session, she turned on the lights. 
She looked down... and saw her husband was holding a battery-operated 
pleasure device... a vibrator! 
Soft, wonderful and larger than a real one. 
She went completely ballistic. 
You impotent bastard," She screamed at him, "how could you be lying to me 
all of these years? 
You better explain yourself!" 
The husband looks her straight in the eyes and says calmly: 
I'll explain the toy . . . you explain the 3 kids."

Wrong Number

**Rrriiiiinnnnggg, rriiiinnnngg,**


**"Hello?'**
**'Hi honey.**
**This is Daddy.**
**Is Mommy near the phone?'**
**'No, Daddy.**
**She's upstairs in the bedroom with Uncle Paul.'**

**After a brief pause,**
**Daddy says,**
**'But honey, you haven't got an Uncle Paul.'**
**'Oh yes I do, and he's upstairs in the room with Mommy,**
**Right now.'**
**Brief Pause.** 
**'Uh, okay then, this is what I want you to do.**
**Put the phone down on the table, run upstairs**
**And knock on the bedroom door and shout to Mommy**
**That Daddy's car just pulled into the driveway.'**
**'Okay, Daddy, Just a minute.'**

**A few minutes later,**
**The little girl comes back to the phone.**
**'I did it, Daddy.'**
**'And what happened, honey?' **
**'Well, Mommy got all scared, jumped out of bed with no clothes on and ran around screaming'.**
**Then she tripped over the rug, hit her head on the dresser**
**And now she isn't moving at all!'**
**'Oh my God!!! What about your Uncle Paul?'**
**'He jumped out of the bed with no clothes on, too.**
**He was all scared and he jumped out of the back window**
**And into the swimming pool.**
**But I guess he didn't know that you took out the water**
**Last week to clean it.**
**He hit the bottom of the pool and he isnt moving either.'**

*****Long Pause*****
*****Longer Pause*****
*****Even Longer Pause*****
**Then Daddy says,**
**'Swimming pool? ...........**
**Is this 486-5731?'** 
**Girl tinks for awhile**
**No, I think you have the wrong number.......*

UWI Carnival Weekend (beach party)

UWI(University of the West Indies) carnival weekend was well up to the hype that it had gotten in the previous weeks. Jouvert which was kept on campus on Friday March 20,2009 was packed beyond packed, however this blog is not about that. No, its about the perfect vibes, hype and entertainment that was achieved by the selectors and the few artistes that showed up.
Kurt Riley the party animal had the place in frenzy by unleashing old ‘skool’ soca hits in the earlier parts of the evening. Delano from Renaissance played an energetic set before handing it over to Zj Liquid who changed the genre of music to dancehall which took well with the crowd. Artistes such as Lisa hype, Chino and few others graced to stage to end a “perfect” night.





















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Kingston Lawyer and the Portland police

A lawyer runs a stop sign in Portland and gets pulled over by the Police.

He thinks that he is smarter than the police because he is a lawyer from Kingston and is certain that he has a better education than any Jamaican Police.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Police expense.

The Police says," Yuh License an yuh registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The Police says, "Yuh didn't come to a complete stop at de stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"Yuh neva did come to a complete stop, Says the Police. License an registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"De difference is dat yuh hav fe come to ah complete stop - dat's de law. License an registration, please!" the Police says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." That sounds fair.

"Get yuh rass outa de vehicle, sar", the Police says.

At this point, the Police drape up de man, pull out his batton and starts beating the lawyer all over his body and asks, "Yuh waan me fe stop, or just slow down?"

Jamaican man at KPH (Kingston Public Hospital)

A Jamaican man went to the Kingston Public Hospital (KPH) for medical treatment; he had both ears severely burnt.

Doctor: How did you get your ears so terribly burnt Sir?

Patient: Yuh si Docta, Mi didah rush fi go a Wuk, so mid didah hurry fi press mi shurt. When mi a press it, one eediot call mi pan mi cellphone, an insteada answer di phone, mi pick up de iron an' answa it.

Doctor: Ok Sir, I understand how one ear could be burnt, but I still cannot understand how you got both ears burnt

Patient: Di damn fool nuh go call mi back.

Jamaican Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. He discovers that there are different Hells for each country. First he goes to the German Hell and asks what they do there. "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour. Then the German Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He doesn't like this so he moves on. He goes to the U.S. Hell, the Canadian Hell, and the U.K. Hell, and discovers that they are all the same. Finally, he comes across a very long line of people waiting to get in and asks, "Which Hell is this?" Someone tells him, "Oh,This is the Jamaican Hell" "What do they do in here?" He asks. "Well, first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour, then the Jamaican Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day!" "But that is just like all the other Hells". The man said, " Why is the line so long?" "Cause inna de Jamaican Hell, the electricity always lock off, the electric chair always naah work, sumbady tief di nail dem, and di Jamaican Devil a public servant, so he cum in an' punch him time card den go a Rum Bar fi play domino fi di rest a di day!"

Jamaican Beggar

Every morning John would drive down Long Lane. And almost every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $20.

After a while John started to give the beggar $10. The Beggar, noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing.

After a while John started to give the Beggar $5. The Beggar, noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it.

He stopped John one morning after accepting the $5 and said, "What's happening man, yuh used to give me $20, then you cut it down to $10, and now this?

John replied, "Bwoy, times have been hard; my eldest boy just started University and my daughter is now at High School ... so you know how it goes ..."

The beggar looked at him with impatience and asked, "Exactly how many children do you have boss?"

"Four" replied John.

The now irate Beggar asked in a tone of disbelief, "So you mean to tell me that is out of my money yuh sending yuh children to school?"

International Airport Test

A study was conducted recently to determine the average crime rate at international airports around the world. The study made use of an ordinary looking man standing in the airport terminal and reading a newspaper.

He had an empty briefcase next to him, which he would ignore. Observers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched.

In Brussels, Belgium the case was stolen within 4 minutes and 20 seconds.

In Washington DC it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds.

At Heathrow, London the briefcase was snatched in less than 2 minutes.

In New York, the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds.

In Los Angeles it took only 43 seconds before the case was snatched.

In Kingston, Jamaica, the people conducting the study were robbed on the way to the airport and the briefcase was stolen along with their car!

Child custody battle

A seven year old boy was at the center of a Jamaica Courtroom drama yesterday when he challenged a court ruling over who should have custody of him. The boy has a history of being beaten by his parents, and the judge initially awarded custody to his aunt, in keeping with the child custody law and regulations requiring that the family unity be maintained to the degree possible.

The boy surprised the court however when he proclaimed that, while visiting his aunt during the summer holidays, She beat him more than his parents and he adamantly refused to live with her. When the judge suggested that he live with his grandparents, the boy cried out that they also beat him. After considering the remainder of the immediate family and learning that domestic violence was apparently a way of life among them, the judge took the unprecedented step of allowing the boy to propose who should have custody of him.

After two recesses to check legal references and confer with child welfare officials, the judge granted temporary custody to the West Indies Cricket Team, whom the boy firmly believes are not capable of beating anyone.

Big Shot Jamaican

Joe grew up in Jamaica, then moved away to attend college and law school. He decided to come back to Jamaica because he felt he could be a Big Shot at home. He really wanted to impress everyone. So he returned and opened his new law office in New Kingston. The first day, he saw a man coming up the passageway. He decided to make a big impression on this potential client when he arrived. As the man came to the door Joe picked up the phone. He motioned the man in, all the while talking. "No. Absolutely not. You tell those clowns in New York that I won't settle this case for less than one million. Yes, the Appeals Court has agreed to hear that case next week. I'll be handling the primary argument and the other members of my team will provide support. Okay, tell the DA that I'll meet with him next week to discuss the details." The "conversation" went on for almost five minutes. All the while the man sat patiently as Joe rattled off instructions. Finally, Joe put down the phone and turned to the man, "I'm sorry for the delay but as you can see, I'm very busy. What can I do for you?" The man replied, "I'm from Cable & Wireless, the telephone company, I came to hook up your phone."

Dig Up The Garden

An old man lived alone in St. Mary, Jamaica. He wanted to plough his field to plant potatoes, but it was very hard work, and he was unable to do it alone. His only son, who would have helped him, was in prison.

The old man wrote a letter to his son and mentioned his predicament. Shortly, he received this reply, "Papa, beg yu nuh dig up the garden, that's where I buried the GUNS!"

At 4 a.m. the next morning police and soldiers showed up and dug up the entire garden, without finding any guns.
Confused, the old man wrote another note to his son telling him what happened, and asking him what to do next. His son's reply was: "Now plant yu potatoes, Papa. Is the best I could do at this time."

Jamaica Government

Once upon a time in the kingdom of Heaven, God was missing for six days. Eventually, Michael the archangel found him, resting on the seventh day. He inquired of God. "Where have you been?" God sighed a deep sigh of satisfaction and proudly pointed downwards through the clouds, "Look, Michael. Look what I've made!"

Archangel Michael looked puzzled and said, "What is it?"

"It's a planet," replied God, "and I've put Life on it. I'm going to call Earth and it's going to be a great place of balance."

"Balance?" inquired Michael, still confused.

God explained, pointing to different parts of earth. "For example, northern Europe will be a place of great opportunity and wealth while southern Europe is going to be poor. Over there I've placed a continent of white people and over there is a continent of black people," God continued pointing to different countries. "This one will be extremely hot and while this one will be very cold and covered in ice."

The Archangel, impressed by God's work, then pointed to a land mass in the Caribbean and said, "What's that one?"

"Ah," said God. "That's Jamaica the most glorious place on earth. There are beautiful beaches, blue mountains, streams, hills, and water falls. The people from Jamaica are going to be very handsome, modest, intelligent and humorous and they are going to be found traveling the world holding good jobs. They will be extremely sociable, hardworking and high-achieving, and they will be known throughout the world as diplomats and carriers of peace, play football and go to the Winter Olympics."

Michael gasped in wonder and admiration but then proclaimed, "What about balance, God? You said there would be balance!!!"

God replied wisely, "Wait until you see the idiots that run their government."

Big Boy

One day bigboy go a school an the teacher said "Everybody please take out your paper and a pencil and draw something, be creative"...........
So after awhile the teacher started walking around and viewing the students drawings. The teacher said "good good" feeling quite pleased with what she is seeing.
Then when she reached to Big Boy's seat she looked down on the paper and all she saw was a small dot in the middle of the paper and asked "But Big Boy there is nothing here but a small dot"
So Big Boy being the trouble maker he is said "yes teacha es a plane but it dey far out u caaan seet."

Dont jump to conclusions

A Jamaican guy enters a restaurant and while sitting at his table he notices a gorgeous woman sitting at another table alone. he calls the waiter over and asks for a bottle of the most expensive champagne to be sent over to her knowing that if she accepts it she will be his.

The waiter gets the bottle and quickly takes it over to the young lady, saying that its from the gentleman. she looks at the champagne and decides to send a note back to the Jamaican, the note reads...

"for me to accept this bottle you need to have a mercedes in your garage, a million in the bank and 9 inches in your trousers."

After Reading this note the jamaican sends back a note of his own, it reads...

"jus su yuh know...me av a bran new Benz an a bran new BMW park up inna mi yard, an mi av over 10 million inna de bank but nobody an mi mean NOBODY nah go mek mi cut 3 inches off a wah mi av inna mi pants...suh yuh can jus sen back di champagne!"

Dont lie without a plan

One night a man was was relaxing watching TV when out of the kitchen
comes his wife with a pan --BOOF!-- "a who nayme Shiela?" asked the wife, "mi si diss ya paypa eena yuh pocket wid di nayme Shiela pon it, who is she?". The man rubbing his headback said "me and Richie did dung ah di racetrack today an dat is di name of di horse weh we bet pan, a wah duh yuh?!!".
So the wife apologized, kissed his headback, and went back to her chores. 15 minutes later the wife storms out of the kitchen again --BOOF!! BAM!!-- "A WHA DUH YUH?!!" shouted the husband, and the wife shouts back "YUH HORSE DEH PON DI PHONE!!".

The reason why they are so many frogs in Jamaica

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Do not smoke around Jamaicans

THIS VIDEO CLIP CONTAINS EXTREMELY COARSE LANGUAGE AND IS INTENDED FOR ADULTS ONLY. IF YOU ARE UNDER 18 YEARS OF AGE OR MAY BE OFFENDED BY SUCH MATERIAL, PLEASE DO NOT VIEW.

The Robbery

A gunman walks into a shop in Kingston, Jamaica and pulls his gun.

He tells the customers to lie on the ground, then gets the money from the cashier.

As the gunman leaves, he asks one customer if he saw who robbed the shop. The customer says "Yes" ... "BLAM", the gunman shoots him.

He then asks another customer if he saw who robbed the shop. Customer says "No, but my Wife was just whispering to me that she thinks she knows you".

Go Get Yuh Madda

A boy and his father from rural Jamaica were visting America for the first time.

The first time they went to a mall, they were amazed by almost everything they saw, but especially by two shiny, silver walls that could move apart and then slide back together again.

The boy asked, "Ah whaddat, daddy?"

The father (having never seen an elevator) responded, "Son, mi nevah see nuting so inna my life! Mi nuh know what it is!"

While the boy and his father were watching with amazement, a fat old lady in a wheelchair rolled up to the moving walls and pressed a button. The walls opened and the lady rolled between them into a small room. The walls closed and the boy and his father watched the small circular numbers above the walls light up sequentially. They continued to watch until it reached the last number and then the numbers began to light in the reverse order. Finally the walls opened up again and a gorgeous, sexy 19-year-old woman stepped out.

The father, not taking his eyes off the young woman, says quietly to his son, "Bwoy... Go get yuh Madda!"

Ask The Washer Man To Watch

This picture was sent recently to the popular site www.jamaicanjokes.com.... Only in Jamaica do we find such colourful ways to express ourselves


Picture Disclaimer
This picture was taken from www.JamaicanJokes.com and this picture is intended solely for entertainment purposes and simply meant to help bring humor and entertainment to the readers of my blog from all over the world. Imean no disrespect or mis-intent to any one individual or group of individuals.