Thursday, May 28, 2009

50 INTERESTING FACTS

1. If you are right handed, you will tend to chew your food on your right side. If you are left handed, you will tend to chew your food on your left side.

2. If you stop getting thirsty, you need to drink more water. For when a human body is dehydrated, its thirst mechanism shuts off.

3. Chewing gum while peeling onions will keep you from crying.

4. Your tongue is germ free only if it is pink. If it is white there is a thin film of bacteria on it.

5. The Mercedes-Benz motto is “Das Beste oder Nichts” meaning “the best or nothing”.

6. The Titanic was the first ship to use the SOS signal.

7. The pupil of the eye expands as much as 45 percent when a person looks at something pleasing.

8. The average person who stops smoking

requires one hour less sleep a night.

9. Laughing lowers levels of stress hormones and strengthens the immune system. Six-year-olds laugh an average of 300 times a day. Adults only laugh 15 to 100 times a day.

10. The roar that we hear when we place a seashell next to our ear is not the ocean, but rather the sound of blood surging through the veins in the ear.

11. Dalmatians are born without spots.

12. Bats always turn left when exiting a cave.

13. The ‘v’ in the name of a court case does not stand for ‘versus’, but for ‘and’ (in civil proceedings) or ‘against’ (in criminal proceedings).

14. Men’s shirts have the buttons on the right, but women’s shirts have the buttons on the left.

15. The owl is the only bird to drop its upper eyelid to wink. All other birds raise their lower eyelids.

16. The reason honey is so easy to digest is that it’s already been digested by a bee.

17. Roosters cannot crow if they cannot extend their necks.

18. The color blue has a calming effect. It causes the brain to release calming hormones.

19. Every time you sneeze some of your brain cells die.

20. Your left lung is smaller than your right lung to make room for your heart.

21. The verb “cleave” is the only English word with two synonyms which are antonyms of each other: adhere and separate.

22. When you blush, the lining of your stomach also turns red.

23. When hippos are upset, their sweat turns red.

24. The first Harley Davidson motorcycle was built in 1903, and used a tomato can for a carburetor.

25. The lion that roars in the MGM logo is named Volney.

26. Google is actually the common name for a number with a million zeros.

27. Switching letters is called spoonerism. For example, saying jag of Flapan, instead of flag of Japan.

28. It cost 7 million dollars to build the Titanic and 200 million to make a film about it.

29. The attachment of the human skin to muscles is what causes dimples.

30. There are 1,792 steps to the top of the Eiffel Tower.

31. The sound you hear when you crack your knuckles is actually the sound of nitrogen gas bubbles bursting.

32. Human hair and fingernails continue to grow after death.

33. It takes about 20 seconds for a red blood cell to circle the whole body.

34. The plastic things on the end of shoelaces are called aglets.

35. Most soccer players run 7 miles in a game.

36. The only part of the body that has no blood supply is the cornea in the eye. It takes in oxygen directly from the air.

37. Every day 200 million couples make love, 400,000 babies are born, and 140,000 people die.

38. In most watch advertisements the time displayed on the watch is 10:10 because then the arms frame the brand of the watch (and make it look like it
is smiling).

39. Colgate faced big obstacle marketing toothpaste in Spanish speaking countries. Colgate translates into the command “go hang yourself.”

40. The only 2 animals that can see behind itself without turning its head are the rabbit and the parrot.

41. Intelligent people have more zinc and copper in their hair.

42. The average person laughs 13 times a day.

43. Do you know the names of the three wise monkeys? They are:Mizaru(See no evil), Mikazaru(Hear no evil), and Mazaru(Speak no evil)

44. Women blink nearly twice as much as men.

45. German Shepherds bite humans more than any other breed of dog.

46. Large kangaroos cover more than 30 feet with each jump.

47. Whip makes a cracking sound because its tip moves faster than the speed of sound.

48. Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn. Suddenly the pigs, all two thousand of them, escaped through a broken fence and stampeded, trampling the two hapless protesters to death.

49. If a statue in the park of a person on a horse has both front legs in the air, the person died in battle; if the horse has one front leg in the air, the person died as a result of wounds received in battle; if the horse has all four legs on the ground, the person died of natural cause.

50. The human heart creates enough pressure while pumping to squirt blood 30 feet!!

Friday, May 22, 2009

Puppy's lesson howling

GOT MILK??

Spider Cat To The Rescue

City Hall Puts In Drive Through

Tuesday, May 19, 2009

Sleepy Baby

Sunday, May 17, 2009

USAIN BOLT SETS A NEW WORLD RECORD!!!

The Big Man himself Usain Bolt has done it again, breaking the 150m street race. "Put him in an Olympic stadium or a shopping street in the centre of Manchester and the result is the same: total annihilation." His time a whopping 14.36 seconds. Watch and enjoy





Tuesday, May 12, 2009

'Tree (three) likkle Bears: Jamaican version

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Mama, s'maddy [somebody] nyam [ate] me parridge [porridge]!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his bowl, and it is also empty. "A who eat mi parridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells at the top of her voice,

"Ah me get up first and wake up everybody else ina de house. A me mek [make] de tea.

A me wash up di dish dem and put weh everyting.

A me go out inna de cold morning air an fetch de newspaper.

A me set de table. An a me put out de puss, clean de litter box an full de water and food dish.

An now unuh decide fe drag oono sorry bear-ass downstairs and grace mi kitchen wid unuh grumpy self! Well mek mi tell oonu dis once an far all.......... MI NUH MEK DE RASS PARRIDGE YET!!"

Fireman Sex


A FIREMAN came home from work one day and told his wife, 'You know, we have a wonderful system at the fire station:

BELL 1 rings and we all put on our jackets,

BELL 2 rings and we all slide down the pole,

BELL 3 rings and we're on the fire truck ready to go.




'From now on when I say

BELL 1 : I want you to strip naked.
BELL 2: I want you to jump in bed.
BELL 3 : We are going to make love all night.
The next night he came home from work and yelled
'BELL 1!' The wife promptly took all her clothes off.




When he yelled
'BELL 2!', the wife jumped in to bed.

When he yelled
'BELL 3!', they began making love.

After a few minutes the wife yelled 'BELL 4!'

'What the hell is BELL 4?' asked the husband?




'ROLL OUT MORE HOSE,' she replied '
YOU'RE NOWHERE NEAR THE FIRE..'

Sunday, May 10, 2009

The Tazer

ONLY A MAN WOULD ATTEMPT THIS

Just try reading this without laughing till you cry!!!

Pocket Tazer Stun Gun, a great gift for the wife. A guy who purchased his
lovely wife a pocket Tazer for their anniversary submitted this:

Last weekend I saw something at Larry's Pistol & Pawn Shop that sparked my
interest. The occasion was our 15th anniversary and I was looking for a
little something extra for my wife Julie. What I came across was a =
100,000-volt, pocket/purse- sized tazer. The effects of the tazer were
supposed to be short lived, with no long-term adverse affect on your
assailant, allowing her adequate time to retreat to safety....??

WAY TOO COOL! Long story short, I bought the device and brought it home. I
loaded two AAA batteries in the darn thing and pushed the button. Nothing!
I was disappointed. I learned, however, that if I pushed the button and
pressed it against a metal surface at the same time; I'd get the blue arc
of electricity darting back and forth between the prongs.

AWESOME!!!

Unfortunately, I have yet to explain to Julie what that burn spot is on
the face of her microwave.

Okay, so I was home alone with this new toy, thinking to myself that it
wouldn't be all that bad with only two triple-A batteries, right? There I
sat in my recliner, my cat Gracie looking on intently (trusting little
soul) while I was reading the directions and thinking that I really needed
to try this thing out on a flesh & blood moving target. I must admit I
thought about zapping Gracie (for a fraction of a second) and thought
better of it. She is such a sweet cat. But, if I was going to give this
thing to my wife to protect herself against a mugger, I did want some
assurance that it would work as advertised. Am I wrong?

So, there I sat in a pair of shorts and a tank top with my reading glasses
perched delicately on the bridge of my nose, directions in one hand, and
tazer in another. The directions said that a one-second burst would shock
and disorient your assailant; a two-second burst was supposed to cause
muscle spasms and a major loss of bodily control; a three-second burst
would purportedly make your assailant flop on the ground like a fish out
of water. Any burst longer than three seconds would be wasting the
batteries.

All the while I'm looking at this little device measuring about 5" long,
less than 3/4 inch in circumference; pretty cute really and (loaded with
two itsy, bitsy triple-A batteries) thinking to myself, 'no possible way!'
What happened next is almost beyond description, but I'll do my best.. .?

I'm sitting there alone, Gracie looking on with her head cocked to one
side as to say, 'don't do it dipshit,' reasoning that a one second burst
from such a tiny little ole thing couldn't hurt all that bad. I decided to
give myself a one second burst just for heck of it.. I touched the prongs
to my naked thigh, pushed the button, and . .

HOLY MOTHER OF GOD .. . WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION . . . WHAT THE HELL!!!


I'm pretty sure Jessie Ventura ran in through the side door, picked me up
in the recliner, then body slammed us both on the carpet, over and over
and over again. I vaguely recall waking up on my side in the fetal
position, with tears in my eyes, body soaking wet, both nipples on fire,
testicles nowhere to be found, with my left arm tucked under my body in
the oddest position, and tingling in my legs? The cat was making meowing
sounds I had never heard before, clinging to a picture frame hanging above
the fireplace, obviously in an attempt to avoid getting slammed by my body
flopping all over the living room.

Note: If you ever feel compelled to 'mug' yourself with a tazer, one note
of caution: there is no such thing as a one second burst when you zap
yourself! You will not let go of that thing until it is dislodged from
your hand by a violent thrashing about on the floor.. A three second burst
would be considered conservative?

IT HURT LIKE HELL!!!

A minute or so later (I can't be sure, as time was a relative thing at
that point), I collected my wits (what little I had left), sat up and
surveyed the landscape. My bent reading glasses were on the mantel of the
fireplace. The recliner was upside down and about 8 feet or so from where
it originally was. My triceps, right thigh and both nipples were still
twitching. My face felt like it had been shot up with Novocain, and my
bottom lip weighed 88 lbs. I had no control over the drooling.

Apparently I pooped on myself, but was too numb to know for sure and my
sense of smell was gone. I saw a faint smoke cloud above my head which I
believe came from my hair. I'm still looking for my nuts and I'm offering
a significant reward for their safe return!

P. S. My wife, can't stop laughing about my experience, loved the gift,
and now regularly threatens me with it!

If you think education is difficult, try being stupid !!!

Wednesday, May 6, 2009

Dance move gone baaaaaddddd

Let Subliminal Messages help you

FORGET subliminal tapes and CDs. Click HERE for subliminal software!

Tech Support for Installing a Husband

Dear Tech Support,


Last year I upgraded from Boyfriend 5.0 to Husband 1.0 and noticed a distinct slow down in overall system performance, particularly in the flower and jewelry applications, which operated flawlessly under Boyfriend 5.0 .


In addition, Husband 1.0 uninstalled many other valuable programs, such as

* Romance 9.5 and


* Personal Attention 6.5,

and then installed undesirable programs , such as


* BPL (Barclay's Premier League) 5.0,


* UEFA Champions League 3.0 and


* Golf Clubs 4.1



Conversation 8.0 no longer runs, and Housecleaning 2. 6 simply crashes the system.

* Please note that I have tried running Nagging 5.3 to fix these problems, but to no avail.



What can I do?


Signed,

Desperate.




DEAR DESPERATE ,


First, keep in mind,

* Boyfriend 5.0 is an Entertainment Package, while


* Husband 1.0 is an operating system.



Please enter command: ithoughtyoulovedme.html and try to download Tears 6.2 and do not forget to install the Guilt 3.0 update.



* If that application works as designed, Husband 1.0 should then automatically run the applications Jewelry 2.0 and Flowers 3.5.


However, remember, overuse of the above application can cause Husband 1.0 to default to Grumpy Silence 2.5 , Happy Hour 7.0 or Beer 6.1 .


* Please note that Beer 6.1 is a very bad program that will download the Farting and Snoring Loudly Beta.


Whatever you do, D0 NOT under any circumstances install Mother-In-Law 1.0 (it runs a virus in the background that will eventually seize control of all your system resources.)


In addition, please do not attempt to re-install the Boyfriend 5.0 program. These are unsupported applications and will crash Husband 1.0 .


In summary, Husband 1.0 is a great program, but it does have limited memory and cannot learn new applications quickly. You might consider buying additional software to improve memory and performance. We recommend:


* Cooking 3.0 and


* Hot Lingerie 7.7.



Good Luck Desperate



Tech Support

Sunday, May 3, 2009

10 Things I Hate About Everyone

1. People who point at their wrist while asking for the time. I know where my watch is pal, where the heck is yours? Do I point at my pants when I ask where the toilet is?

2. People who are willing to get off their butt to search the entire room for the T.V. remote because they refuse to walk to the T.V. and change the channel manually.

3. When people say, "Oh, you just want to have your cake and eat it, too." Dang right! What good is cake if you can't eat it?

4. When people who've lost something say, "It'll probably be in the last place
I look." Of course it is! Why the heck would you keep looking after you've found it?

5. When people say while watching a film, "Did you see that?" No Loser, I paid $12 to come to the cinema and stare at the floor.

6. People who ask, "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya sunshine?

7. When something is "new and improved." Which is it? If it's new, then there has never been anything before it. If it's an improvement, then there must have been something before it, so it couldn't be new.

8. When people say, "Life is short." What the heck?? Life is the longest darn thing anyone ever does!! What can you do that's longer?

9. When you are waiting for the bus and someone asks, "Has the bus come yet?". If the bus came would I be standing here?

10. Jokes that are like, "You didn't notice there was no *insert number here*". Well duh - do YOU pay that close attention??

Future Men in Training





Saturday, May 2, 2009

Jamaican Country Pharmacist

A Jamaican country doctor running a clinic in Mocho (St. Elizathabeth) wanted to take a day off work to go into Kingston, so he called his dispenser to take over. The doctor said :

"Obediah, I have to go to Kingston today, but I want you to keep the clinic open; just in case any patients come in. You think you can handle it?"

"Yes, sah (sir), yes sah!" answered Obediah, thrilled to be put in charge.

The following day, the doctor returned to work. He asked Obediah, "So how did things go yesterday?"

"I had was to treat t'ree (3) patients," said Obie proudly.

"De fuss one seh 'im have a bad 'eadache, so mi give 'im two Tylenol."

"De second one seh 'im belly a hot him bad, bad, so mi give him some Maalox."

"Good work, good work," said the doctor, "And what about the third patient?"

"Well, sah, dis ooman bust through de door. And she tear off all she clothes sah! Me seh, every last piece of she clothes, sah. An' she jump up on the examination table, lie down and spread her legs dem.Den she shout out, "Help mi! Fi five years now mi nuh see any man!"

"Lord, God man." exclaimed the doctor, "So what did you do?"

"Mi put drops inna her eye dem sah!" replied Obediah proudly.