A local Peace Corp
officer realized that the organization had never received a donation from the country's most successful judge. The person in charge of contributions decided to call him to persuade him to contribute. The only problem was the judge was affectionately called The Mean Judge, but he decided to give it a shot nonetheless.
"Our research shows that out of a yearly income of at least $500,000 (US) you give not a dollar to charity. Wouldn't you like to give back to the community in some way?"
The mean judge mulled this over for a moment and replied, "First, did your research also show that my mother is dying after a long illness, and has medical bills that are several times her annual income?"
Embarrassed, the Peace Corp rep mumbled, "Um ... no."
The judge interrupts, "or that my brother, a disabled veteran, is blind and confined to a wheelchair?"
The stricken Peace Corp rep began to stammer out an apology, but was interrupted again.
"or that my sister's husband died in a traffic accident," the judge's voice rising in indignation, "leaving her penniless with three children?!"
The humiliated Peace Corp rep, completely beaten, said simply, "I had no idea..."
On a roll, the mean judge then cut him off once again, "So if I don't give any money to them, why should I give any to you?"
In school one day the teacher decided that in science class she would teach about materials; So she stood in the front of the class and said, "Children, if you could have one raw material in the world what would it be?"
Little Stevie raised his hand and said "I would want gold, because gold is
worth a lot of money and I could buy a Porsche."
The teacher nodded and called on little Susie. Little Susie said, "I would want platinum because platinum is worth more than gold and I could buy a Corvette".
The teacher smiled and then called on Likle Johnny. Likle Johnny stood up and said, "I would want silicon." The teacher said, "Why Johnny?"
He responded by saying, "Because my mom has two bags of it and you should see all the sports cars outside our house!!"
A man walking on the sidewalk noticed Likle Johnny was a block ahead wearing a red fireman's hat and sitting in a red wagon. It appeared that the wagon was being pulled slowly by a large black Rottweiler.
When he got closer to the lad, he noticed that Likle Johnny had a rope tied around the dog's testicles, which probably accounted for why the dog was walking so gingerly.
Smiling, he spoke to the little boy, "That's really a nice fire engine you have there, son. But I'll bet the dog would pull you faster if you tied that rope around his neck."
"Yeah," Johnny replied, "but then I wouldn't have a siren."
A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.
He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.
The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."
After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.
"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."
This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.
After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAt until I get back!"
She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door,
laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.
"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.
Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"
After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"
"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."
"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."
"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"
"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"
"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"
"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."
"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."
"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"
"Damn, there go the lights again...."
"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."
"What do you mean you want a divorce?"
The English teacher asked the class to write about an unusual event that
happened during the past week. Likle Johnny got up and read his essay. He
began, "My dad fell into the well last week..."
"My goodness!" the teacher exclaimed. "Is he all right?"
"He must be," said Johnny. "He stopped yelling for help yesterday."
The house phone bill was exceptionally high, so the man of the house called a family meeting on a Saturday morning after breakfast.
Dad: People, 'ere mi now - Dis wrong. You haffi cut back pon the long distance and cell phone calls dat unuh mekking on the house phone. De phone bill getting very high, and me not even use the house phone fi dem calls any more. Mi use the one ah mi office.
Mum: Same here. Mi hardly use de house phone, because mi mek most of those calls pon mi work phone.
Son: Me too. Mi stop use the house phone long time. Mi always use mi company mobile weh dem gimme.
Helper (Maid): So, wha de problem? Look like all ah wi a use wi work phone then!
A construction worker walks into a bar. He's a rather large, menacing guy. He orders a beer, chugs it back, and bellows, "All you guys on this side of the bar are a bunch of idiots!" A sudden silence descends.
After a moment he asks "Anyone got a problem with that?" The silence lengthens.
He then chugs back another beer and growls, "And all you guys on the other side of the bar are all scum!" Once again, the bar is silent.
He looks around belligerently and roars, "Anyone got a problem with that?" A lone man gets up from his stool unsteadily and starts to walk towards the man.
"You got a problem, buddy?"
"Oh no; I'm just on the wrong side of the bar."
