Choose Your Battles

A bigshot business man had to spend a couple of days in the hospital.

He was a royal pain to the nurses because he bossed them around just like he did his employees. None of the hospital staff wanted to have anything to do with him.

The head nurse was the only one who could stand up to him. She walked into his room and announced, "I have to take your temperature."

After complaining for several minutes, he finally settled down, crossed his arms and opened his mouth.

"No, I'm sorry, the nurse stated, "but for this reading, I can't use an oral thermometer."

This started another round of complaining, but eventually he rolled over and bared his behind.

After feeling the nurse insert the thermometer, he heard her announce, "I have to get something. Now you stay JUST LIKE THAt until I get back!"

She leaves the door to his room open on her way out. He curses under his breath as he hears people walking past his door,
laughing. After almost an hour, the man's doctor comes into the room.

"What's going on here?" asked the doctor.

Angrily, the man answers, "What's the matter, Doc? Haven't you ever seen someone having their temperature taken before?"

After a pause, the doctor replies, "Yes, but never with a daffodil!"

Stuff You Never Want To Hear During Surgery

"Better save that. We'll need it for the autopsy."

"Someone call the janitor - we're going to need a mop."

"Accept this sacrifice, O Great Lord of Darkness"

"Bo! Bo! Come back with that! Bad Dog!"

"Wait a minute, if this is his spleen, then what's that?"

"Hand me that...uh...that uh.....thingie."

"Oh no! I just lost my Rolex."

"Oops! Hey, has anyone ever survived 500ml of this stuff before?"

"Damn, there go the lights again...."

"Ya know, there's big money in kidneys. Hell, the guy's got two of them."

"What do you mean you want a divorce?"

Medical Malpractice

A man went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examination room, he told the doctor. "Don't laugh ok!"

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later, he was finally able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, i promise it will never happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," the man replied.

Back on the floor went the urologist only to wake up to a malpractice lawsuit.