JPS Man

One Monday morning the JPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Ricky, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beers and liquor bottles.

“Bombaat Ricky, looks like uno guys had one heck of a party last night,” the JPS man comments. Ricky, in obvious pain, replies “Actually a Saturday night it did keep. Dis a di first mi feel like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood ova for some weekend fun and it got a bit outa hand. Rahtid, di whole a wi get so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?”

The JPS man thinks a moment and says, “A how yuh play "WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the man dem go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through di hole in di sheet. Den the women dem try guess a who.”

The JPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.”

”Probably a good ting to,” Ricky responded. “Cuz your name call up seven times.......if i were u mi wudnt check the rest a the street meter again”

An Innocent Child's Prayer

One day Johnny decided to do his Christmas homework on his father's laptop because his was broken. After turning it on and seeing a folder named breasts (which so happen to be the topic he is doing:Breast cancer), Johnny thought what luck his homework has already been done. To his shock he saw all sorts of you guessed it naked women.. Being of pure innocence this is what he prayed that night when both his parents tucked him in bed and asked him what he wanted for Christmas.

Johnny's Prayer...

"Dear God, this year please send clothes for all those poor ladies in daddy's computer. Amen."

Adolf Hitler's Reaction To Usain's 100m World Record In Berlin

Remember Your Place At Work

Lesson 3

A sales rep, an administration clerk, and the manager are walking to lunch when they find an antique oil lamp.

They rub it and a Genie comes out.
The Genie says, 'I'll give each of you just one wish.'
'Me first! Me first!' says the admin clerk. 'I want to be in the Bahamas , driving a speedboat, without a care in the world.'
Puff! She's gone.

'Me next! Me next!' says the sales rep. 'I want to be in Hawaii , relaxing on the beach with my personal masseuse, an endless supply of Pina Coladas and the love of my life.'

Puff! He's gone.

'OK, you're up,' the Genie says to the manager.
The manager says, 'I want those two back in the office after
lunch.'


Moral of the story:
Always let your boss have the first say.

Knowledge Is Power

Lesson 2

A priest offered a Nun a lift.

She got in and crossed her legs, forcing her gown to reveal a leg.

The priest nearly had an accident.

After controlling the car, he stealthily slid his hand up her leg.

The nun said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest removed his hand. But, changing gears, he let his hand slide up her leg again.
The nun once again said, 'Father, remember Psalm 129?'

The priest apologized 'Sorry sister but the flesh is weak.'

Arriving at the convent, the nun sighed heavily
and went on her way.

On his arrival at the church, the priest rushed to look up Psalm 129. It said, 'Go forth and seek, further up, you will find glory.'

Moral of the story:
If you are not well informed in your job, you might miss a great opportunity.

Management Course: Share Everything With Your Partner

Lesson 1

A man is getting into the shower just as his wife is finishing up her shower, when the doorbell rings.

The wife quickly wraps herself in a towel and runs downstairs.

When she opens the door, there stands Bob, the next-door neighbour.

Before she says a word, Bob says, 'I'll give you $800 to drop that towel.'


After thinking for a moment, the woman drops her towel and stands naked in front of Bob, after a few seconds, Bob hands her $800 and leaves.


The woman wraps back up in the towel and goes back upstairs.

When she gets to the bathroom, her husband asks, 'Who was that?'

'It was Bob the next door neighbour,' she replies.

'Great,' the husband says, 'did he say anything about the $800 he owes me?'



Moral of the story:

If you share critical information pertaining to credit and risk with your shareholders in time, you may be in a position to prevent avoidable exposure.

The Why's Of Men - As seen by Women

This list was created by a woman from a woman's perspective.

1. WHY DO MEN BECOME SMARTER DURING SEX?

(Because they are plugged into a genius)



2. WHY DOES IT TAKE 1 MILLION SPERM TO FERTILIZE ONE EGG?

(They don't stop to ask directions)



3. WHY DO MEN SNORE WHEN THEY LIE ON THEIR BACKS?

(Because their testicles fall over their butt-hole and they vapor lock)

(You're laughing, aren't you?!?!)



4. WHY WERE MEN GIVEN LARGER BRAINS THAN DOGS?

(So they won't hump women's legs at cocktails parties)



5. WHY DID GOD MAKE MEN BEFORE WOMEN?

(You need a rough draft before you make a final copy)


6. HOW MANY MEN DOES IT TAKE TO PUT A TOILET SEAT DOWN?

(Don't know.....it never happened)



(C'mon guys, we laugh at your Blonde jokes!)


And the personal favorite:



7. WHY DID GOD PUT MEN ON EARTH?

(Because a vibrator can't mow the lawn)

A Damn Fine Explanation!!!

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'

And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened. 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!!

And the husband began --

'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please do you have anything else that your wife doe sn't use?'

The Difference between men and women - The Simple Truth

Editors note: The two below is so true!


Editor's note: Oh so true..lol!!












And last but not least the favorite picture loved by all women:

Medical Malpractice

A man went to his appointment with the urologist. In the examination room, he told the doctor. "Don't laugh ok!"

"Of course I won't laugh," the doctor said. "I'm a professional. In more than twenty years, I've never laughed at a patient."

"Okay then," the man said, and proceeded to drop his trousers, revealing the tiniest 'willie' the doctor had ever seen. It wasn't any bigger than a AAA battery.

Unable to control himself, the doctor started giggling, then fell to the floor, laughing hysterically. Ten minutes later, he was finally able to struggle to his feet and regain his composure.

"I'm so sorry," he said. "I really am. I don't know what came over me. On my honor as a doctor and a gentlemen, i promise it will never happen again. Now, what seems to be the problem?"

"It's swollen," the man replied.

Back on the floor went the urologist only to wake up to a malpractice lawsuit.

A Poem About Putting On Condoms

COVER YOUR STUMP BEFORE U HUMP

BEFORE U ATTACK HER, WRAP YOUR WHACKER

DON'T BE SILLY, PROTECT YOUR WILLY

WHEN IN DOUBT, SHROUD
YOUR SPOUT

DON'T BE A LONER, COVER YOUR BONER

YOU CANT GO WRONG, IF U SHIELD YOUR DONG

IF YOU'RE NOT GOING TO SACK IT, GO HOME AND WHACK IT.

IF U THINK SHE'S SPUNKY, COVER YOUR MONKEY

IF U SLIP BETWEEN HER THIGHS, BE SURE TO CONDOMIZE

IT WILL BE SWEETER IF U WRAP YOUR PETER

SHE WONT GET SICK IF U WRAP YOUR DICK

IF U GO IN TO HEAT, PACKAGE YOUR MEAT

WHILE YOUR UNDRESSING VENUS, DRESS UP YOUR PENIS

WHEN U TAKE OFF HER PANTS AND BLOUSE, SLIP UP YOUR TROUSER MOUSE

ESPECIALLY IN DECEMBER, GIFT WRAP YOUR MEMBER

NEVER,NEVER DECK HER WITH AN UNWRAPPED
PECKER

DON'T BE A FOOL, VULCANIZE YOUR TOOL

THE RIGHT SELECTION WILL PROTECT YOUR ERECTION

WRAP IT IN FOIL BEFORE CHECKING HER OIL

A CRANK WITH ARMOR WILL NEVER HARM HER

NO GLOVE, NO LOVE!

Caught Cheating!!!!!!

A couple was invited to a masked costume Halloween party. The wife got a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party alone. He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was no need for his good time to be spoiled by not going. So he took his Batman costume and away he went.

The wife, after sleeping soundly for about an hour, awakened without pain, and, as it was still early, decided to go to the party. In as much as her husband did not know what her costume was, so she thought she would have some fun by watching her husband to see how he acted when she was not with him. So she puts on a Goldilocks costume. She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice chick he could cuddle with and copping a little feel here and a little kiss there. His wife went up to him and being a rather seductive babe herself, he left his new partner high and dry and devoted his time to her. She let him go as far as he wished, naturally, since he was her husband. After some more to drink, he finally whispered a little proposition in her ear and she agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a quickie in the back seat.

Just before unmasking, she slipped away and went home and put her costume away and got into bed, wondering what kind of explanation he would make up for his outrageous behavior. She was sitting up reading when he came in, so she asked what kind of time he had.
'Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good time when you're not there.' Then she asked, 'Did you dance much?'
He replied, 'I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys, so we went into the spare room and played poker all evening.''You must have looked really silly wearing that Batman costume playing poker all night!' she said with unashamed sarcasm.To which the husband replied, 'Actually, I gave my Batman costume to your Dad. Apparently he had a whale of a time. He told me he got lucky with a hottie in a Goldilocks outfit'.

Moral of the story..... Don't try to sneak up on your man!!!

Affair with an older woman

I ended up with an older woman at a club last night, she looked pretty good for a 60-year-old. In fact she wasn't too bad at all, and I found myself thinking that she probably had a really hot daughter.

We drank a bit (well more than a bit), we had a snuggle, and she asked me if I ever had a "sportsman double"?
"Whats that?" I asked.
"It's a mother and daughter threesome," she said.
"Oh," I said as my mind began to embrace the idea. "No, I haven't."

And I wondered what this daughter of hers might look like. We drank a bit more, then she says with a wink that tonight was 'my lucky night'. I went back to her place and walked in hoping for the best night f my life. She puts on the hall light and shouted upstairs, "Mom, you still awake?"