Got Any Grapes?

A duck walks into a convenience store and asks the clerk, "Do you have
any grapes?" The clerk says no, and the duck leaves. The next day, the duck
returns and asks, "Do you have any grapes?" The clerk again says no, and
the duck leaves. The day after that, the duck walks in the store again and asks
"Do you have any grapes?" The clerk screams at the duck, "You've come in
here the past two days and asked if we had any grapes. I told you no every time
that we don't have any grapes! I swear if you come back in here again, and
ask for grapes, I'll nail your webbed feet to the floor!!" The duck left,
and returned the next day. This time he asked, "Do you have any nails?" The
clerk replied, "No," and the duck said, "Good! Got any grapes?"

Paint My Porch!

A teenager wanting to earn some money, decided to hire himself out as a
handyman-type and started canvassing a wealthy neighborhood.
He went to the front door of the first house and asked the owner if
he had any jobs for him to do. "Well, you can paint my porch. How much
will you charge?"
The kid said "How about 50 dollars?" The man agreed and told him
that the paint and ladders he might need were in the garage.
The man's wife, inside the house, heard the conversation and said to
her husband, "Does that boy realize that the porch goes all the way around
the house?" The man replied, "He should. He was standing on the
porch."
A short time later, the teen came to the door to collect his money.
"You're finished already?" asked the man. "Yes," the teen answered, "and I
had paint left over, so I gave it two coats. "
Impressed, the man reached in his pocket for the $50. "And by the
way," the teen added, "that's not a Porch, it's a Ferrari."

A Damn Fine Explanation!!!

The wife came home early and found her husband in their bedroom making love to a very attractive young woman and was somewhat upset. 'You are a disrespectful pig!' she cried. 'How dare you do this to me -- a faithful wife, the mother of your children ! I'm leaving you. I want a divorce straight away!'

And the husband replied 'Hang on just a minute love, so at least I can tell you what happened. 'Fine, go ahead,' she sobbed, but they'll be the last words you'll say to me!!

And the husband began --

'Well, I was getting into the car to drive home and this young lady here asked me for a lift. She looked so down and out and defenseless that I took pity on her and let her into the car. I noticed that she was very thin, not well dressed and very dirty. She told me that she hadn't eaten for three days! So, in my compassion, I brought her home and warmed up the enchiladas I made for you last night, the ones you wouldn't eat because you're afraid you'll put on weight. The poor thing devoured them in moments.

Since she needed a good clean up I suggested a shower, and while she was doing that I noticed her clothes were dirty and full of holes so I threw them away. Then, as she needed clothes, I gave her the designer jeans that you have had for a few years, but don't use because you say they are too tight. I also gave her the underwear that was your anniversary present, which you don't use because I don't have good taste. I found the sexy blouse my sister gave you for Christmas that you don't use just to annoy her, and I also donated those boots you bought at the expensive boutique and don't use because someone at work has a pair the same.'

The husband took a quick breath and continued - 'She was so grateful for my understanding and help and as I walked her to the door she turned to me with tears in her eyes and said, Please do you have anything else that your wife doe sn't use?'

How To Spot A Bad Day

If you woke up one morning, stepped outside and saw this:



It would be a good idea to step back inside and call it quits for the day... That day would definitely not be a good day.