A Jamaican's First Snowflakes

Diary of a Jamaican who moved to Canada for a better Life.

November 14th
Started snowing. The first of the season and the first real snowflakes we have ever seen. The wife took buttered buns and we sat by the window watching the soft flakes drift down; clinging to the trees and covering the ground could never do anything like this in Jamaica. IT WAS BEAUTIFUL.

November 15th
we woke to a lovely blanket of crystal white snow covering the landscape. What a FANTASTIC sight! Every tree and shrub was covered with a beautiful white mantle. I shoveled snow for the first time and loved it. I did both our driveway and sidewalk. Later, the city snowplow came along and accidentally covered up our driveway with compacted snow from the street. But the driver smiled and waved and I waved back and shoveled again Canadians are so friendly! Unlike those people who work the corporate area.

November 16th
It snowed an additional twelve inches last night and the temperature has dropped to around four degrees, the cold weather is not so bad, we can take this, not at all as bad as we imagined. Several limbs on the trees and shrubs have snapped due to the weight of the snow. I shoveled our driveway again. Shortly afterwards the snowplow came by and did his trick again. Much of the snow is now brownish gray.

November 17th
warmed up enough during the day to create some slush, which soon became ice again. Bought snow tires for both cars. Slipped on my bottom in the driveway, paid $130 for the chiropractor, but fortunately nothing broken. More snow and ice expected.

November 18th
Still cold. Sold my wife's BMW and bought a 4x4 in order to get to work. Slipped on the guardrail and did considerable damage to the right fender. Had another 15 centimeters of white shit last night. Both vehicles covered in salt and crud. More shoveling in store for me today. That damn snowplow came by twice yesterday.

November 19th
2 degrees outside! More rahtid snow. Not a tree or shrub in our yard that hasn’t been damaged. Power was off most of the night. "Blouse and skirt" got mi first heating bill. Tried to keep from freezing to death with candles and kerosene heater, tipped one over and nearly burn the rahtid house down. I managed to put the flames out but suffered second degree burns on my hands and lost all my eyebrows and eyelashes. Car slid on the white shit on the way to the hospital and was a write-off.

November 20th
Flipping white ting keeps coming down! I have to put on all the clothes I own just to get to the mailbox. If I ever catch the bitch that drives that damn snowplow, I gonna make him mother feel it. I think he hides around the corner and wait for me to finish shoveling, then comes down the street at about 160 km/hr and cover up my driveway again. Flipping power still off. The toilet froze and parts of the roof have started to cave in.

November 21st
Twelve more centimeters of damn snow and damn ice and God knows what other kind of rahtid white shit fell last night. I wounded that damn snowplow with the pick, but the driver got away. The wife took off and left me. The frigging car won't start and I think I'm going bat shit snow-blind. I can't move my toes, haven't seen the frigging sun in weeks and there's more rahtid snow predicted. Wind chill is 30 damn degrees below flipping zero!!

November 22nd
Moving back to JA cause this cold is trying to kill me!!

Ways To Lower The Phone Bill

The house phone bill was exceptionally high, so the man of the house called a family meeting on a Saturday morning after breakfast.

Dad: People, 'ere mi now - Dis wrong. You haffi cut back pon the long distance and cell phone calls dat unuh mekking on the house phone. De phone bill getting very high, and me not even use the house phone fi dem calls any more. Mi use the one ah mi office.

Mum: Same here. Mi hardly use de house phone, because mi mek most of those calls pon mi work phone.

Son: Me too. Mi stop use the house phone long time. Mi always use mi company mobile weh dem gimme.

Helper (Maid): So, wha de problem? Look like all ah wi a use wi work phone then!

JPS Man

One Monday morning the JPS man is driving the neighborhood on his usual route. As he approaches one of the homes he noticed that both cars were still in the driveway. His wonder was cut short by Ricky, the homeowner, coming out with a load of empty beers and liquor bottles.

“Bombaat Ricky, looks like uno guys had one heck of a party last night,” the JPS man comments. Ricky, in obvious pain, replies “Actually a Saturday night it did keep. Dis a di first mi feel like moving since 4:00 am Sunday morning. We had about fifteen couples from around the neighborhood ova for some weekend fun and it got a bit outa hand. Rahtid, di whole a wi get so drunk around midnight that we started playing "WHO AM I?”

The JPS man thinks a moment and says, “A how yuh play "WHO AM I?”

“Well, all the man dem go in the bedroom and we come out one at a time with a sheet covering us, with only our 'privates' showing through di hole in di sheet. Den the women dem try guess a who.”

The JPS man laughs and says, “Damn, I'm sorry I missed that.”

”Probably a good ting to,” Ricky responded. “Cuz your name call up seven times.......if i were u mi wudnt check the rest a the street meter again”

Mi Mudduh Get Lick Dung!

A bus was involved in an accident on the busy Half-Way Tree Road on Friday afternoon.
As expected, traffic came to a stand-still, and a large vocal crowd gathered. A male reporter from one of our 'big' newspapers, anxious to get his story could not get near the bus or the victim(s).
Being a clever sort, he started shouting loudly, " Unnuh let me through! Let me through! A mi madda get lick-dung. "
The crowd made way for him. Lying in front of the bus was a donkey.

Why Is The Rum Gone???

In response to Wray and Nephew burning down the other day.... Bow your heads in respect for the rum....

A Materialistic Brotha

A Jamaican opened the door of his BMW in the middle of New York city, when suddenly a car came along and hit the door, ripping it off completely.

When the police(American)arrived at the scene, the Jamaican was complaining
bitterly about thedamage to his precious BMW.

“Awfissa, look wah dem do to mi Bimmah!”, he whined.
“You Jamaicans are so materialistic and Show-off, you make me sick!” retorted the officer.

“You’re so worried about your stupid BMW, that you didn’t even notice that your left arm was ripped off!”

“Rahtid!!!,” Replied the Jamaican, finally noticing the bloody left shoulder where his arm once was…………. “Mi Rolex”

Adolf Hitler's Reaction To Usain's 100m World Record In Berlin

Only Jamaican

There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London;
a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving
because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming
close to a posh, fancy and very expensive restaurant they came up
with a plan.

The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three
course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter
came by with the cheque.


"But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. The waiter was very confused
as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any
trouble...he let the Trini leave.


Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and
ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating,
the waiter came by to collect the money for food. "But I paid you!"
The Barbadian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down
the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers
he let the Bajan go.


Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a
cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two
Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the
money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir...
I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it.
Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they
paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them,
so................. But Before he could finish, the
Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss,
that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"

Your Parrot Is Dead!!

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, boss? This is
> > > Leroy, the caretaker at > > your country house.'

> > > 'Ah yes, Leroy. What can I do for you? Is there a
> > > problem?'

> > > 'Um, I am just calling to advise you, boss, that
> > your parrot, he is dead.'

> > > 'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the
> > international competition?'

> > > 'yes boss, that's the one.'

> > > 'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune
> > on
> > > that bird. What did he die
> > > from?'

> > > 'From eating the rotten meat, boss.'

> > > 'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten
> > meat?'

> > > 'Nobody, boss. He ate the meat of the dead
> > horse.'

> > > 'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

> > > 'The thoroughbred, boss.'

> > > 'My prize thoroughbred that won the Cockspur Gold
> > > cup?'

> > > 'Yes,
> > boss. He died from all that work pulling the
> > > water cart.'

> > > 'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

> > > 'The one we used to put out the fire, boss.'

> > > 'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about,
> > man?'

> > > 'The one at your house, boss! A candle fell and
> > the
> > > curtains caught on
> > > fire.'

> > > 'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is
> > > destroyed because of a
> > > candle?'

> > > 'Yes, boss.'

> > > 'But there's electricity at the house!! What
> > was
> > > the candle for?'

> > > 'For the funeral, boss.'

> > > 'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

> > > 'Your wife's, boss, she showed up very late
> > one
> > > night and I thought she was
> > > a thief, so I hit her with your cricket bat -- the one
> > > which was autographed
> > > by Sobers, Lara and Viv.

> > > THEN THERE IS SILENCE...A LONG
> > SILENCE.FINALLY THE BOSS
> > > SPEAKS

> > > 'Leroy, if you bruk mi bat, you inna nuff rass
> > > trouble!!!'

The Criminal Catcher 2000

In U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves: they took it out to different countries for a test.

In U.S.A, in 30 minutes it caught 250 thieves; UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves; Spain, in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves; Ghana, in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves; Jamaica, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.

The Priest and Likle(little) Johnny

Likle Johnny got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book and noticed he had his collar on backwards. Little Johnny asked why he wore his collar backwards.

The man, who was a priest, said, "I am a Father."
Likle Johnny replied, " My daddy a fada(father) and him don't wear his colla(collar) like dat."

The priest looked up from his book and answered, "I am the Father of many."
Likle Johnny then said, "My daddy have 4 boys, 4 girls and 2 granpickney and him no wear him colla like dat."

The priest, getting impatient, said, "I am the Father of Hundreds," and went back quietly to his book.
Likle Johnny sat quiely thinking for awhile, then leaned over and said, "Maybe if you did wear a condom and put you pants on backwards you wouldnt have so much pickney(children)

'Tree (three) likkle Bears: Jamaican version

Baby Bear goes downstairs and sits in his small chair at the table, he looks into his small bowl. It is empty. "Mama, s'maddy [somebody] nyam [ate] me parridge [porridge]!!" he squeaks.

Papa Bear arrives at the big table and sits in his big chair. He looks into his bowl, and it is also empty. "A who eat mi parridge?!!" he roars.

Momma Bear puts her head through the serving hatch from the kitchen and yells at the top of her voice,

"Ah me get up first and wake up everybody else ina de house. A me mek [make] de tea.

A me wash up di dish dem and put weh everyting.

A me go out inna de cold morning air an fetch de newspaper.

A me set de table. An a me put out de puss, clean de litter box an full de water and food dish.

An now unuh decide fe drag oono sorry bear-ass downstairs and grace mi kitchen wid unuh grumpy self! Well mek mi tell oonu dis once an far all.......... MI NUH MEK DE RASS PARRIDGE YET!!"

Jamaican Country Pharmacist

A Jamaican country doctor running a clinic in Mocho (St. Elizathabeth) wanted to take a day off work to go into Kingston, so he called his dispenser to take over. The doctor said :

"Obediah, I have to go to Kingston today, but I want you to keep the clinic open; just in case any patients come in. You think you can handle it?"

"Yes, sah (sir), yes sah!" answered Obediah, thrilled to be put in charge.

The following day, the doctor returned to work. He asked Obediah, "So how did things go yesterday?"

"I had was to treat t'ree (3) patients," said Obie proudly.

"De fuss one seh 'im have a bad 'eadache, so mi give 'im two Tylenol."

"De second one seh 'im belly a hot him bad, bad, so mi give him some Maalox."

"Good work, good work," said the doctor, "And what about the third patient?"

"Well, sah, dis ooman bust through de door. And she tear off all she clothes sah! Me seh, every last piece of she clothes, sah. An' she jump up on the examination table, lie down and spread her legs dem.Den she shout out, "Help mi! Fi five years now mi nuh see any man!"

"Lord, God man." exclaimed the doctor, "So what did you do?"

"Mi put drops inna her eye dem sah!" replied Obediah proudly.

The Minister and Hymn No.365

A minister was completing a temperance sermon in Jamaica one Sunday. With great emphasis he said, "If i had all the beer in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With even greater emphasis he said. "And if I had all the wine in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

And then finally, shaking his fist in the air, he said, "And if I had all the white rum and Appleton in the world, I'd take it and pour it into the river."

With the sermon complete, he sat down feeling good after delivering such an enthusiastic speech on the evils of alcohol. The hymn leader being a lover of his white rum decided to have a little fun. He stood up smiling and nearly laughing, said, "For our closing hymn, let us sing Hymn No.365, 'Shall We Gather at the River'."

Only in Jamaica

[ Air conditioner and Satellite Dish in a 1 bedroom house ...maadd tings]

[ I guess this 1 speaks for itself]

Kingston Lawyer and the Portland police

A lawyer runs a stop sign in Portland and gets pulled over by the Police.

He thinks that he is smarter than the police because he is a lawyer from Kingston and is certain that he has a better education than any Jamaican Police.

He decides to prove this to himself and have some fun at the Police expense.

The Police says," Yuh License an yuh registration, please."

"What for?" says the lawyer.

The Police says, "Yuh didn't come to a complete stop at de stop sign."

Then the lawyer says, "I slowed down, and no one was coming."

"Yuh neva did come to a complete stop, Says the Police. License an registration, please."

The lawyer says, "What's the difference?"

"De difference is dat yuh hav fe come to ah complete stop - dat's de law. License an registration, please!" the Police says.

Lawyer says, "If you can show me the legal difference between slow down and stop, I'll give you my license and registration; and you give me the ticket. If not, you let me go and don't give me the ticket." That sounds fair.

"Get yuh rass outa de vehicle, sar", the Police says.

At this point, the Police drape up de man, pull out his batton and starts beating the lawyer all over his body and asks, "Yuh waan me fe stop, or just slow down?"

Jamaican man at KPH (Kingston Public Hospital)

A Jamaican man went to the Kingston Public Hospital (KPH) for medical treatment; he had both ears severely burnt.

Doctor: How did you get your ears so terribly burnt Sir?

Patient: Yuh si Docta, Mi didah rush fi go a Wuk, so mid didah hurry fi press mi shurt. When mi a press it, one eediot call mi pan mi cellphone, an insteada answer di phone, mi pick up de iron an' answa it.

Doctor: Ok Sir, I understand how one ear could be burnt, but I still cannot understand how you got both ears burnt

Patient: Di damn fool nuh go call mi back.

Jamaican Hell

A man dies and goes to hell. He discovers that there are different Hells for each country. First he goes to the German Hell and asks what they do there. "First, they put you in an electric chair for an hour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour. Then the German Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day." He doesn't like this so he moves on. He goes to the U.S. Hell, the Canadian Hell, and the U.K. Hell, and discovers that they are all the same. Finally, he comes across a very long line of people waiting to get in and asks, "Which Hell is this?" Someone tells him, "Oh,This is the Jamaican Hell" "What do they do in here?" He asks. "Well, first they put you in an electric chair for an hour, then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour, then the Jamaican Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of the day!" "But that is just like all the other Hells". The man said, " Why is the line so long?" "Cause inna de Jamaican Hell, the electricity always lock off, the electric chair always naah work, sumbady tief di nail dem, and di Jamaican Devil a public servant, so he cum in an' punch him time card den go a Rum Bar fi play domino fi di rest a di day!"

Jamaican Beggar

Every morning John would drive down Long Lane. And almost every morning he would stop and give the resident beggar $20.

After a while John started to give the beggar $10. The Beggar, noticing that his money has been reduced was not too pleased, but said nothing.

After a while John started to give the Beggar $5. The Beggar, noticing this further decrease became noticeably upset and decided to speak to John about it.

He stopped John one morning after accepting the $5 and said, "What's happening man, yuh used to give me $20, then you cut it down to $10, and now this?

John replied, "Bwoy, times have been hard; my eldest boy just started University and my daughter is now at High School ... so you know how it goes ..."

The beggar looked at him with impatience and asked, "Exactly how many children do you have boss?"

"Four" replied John.

The now irate Beggar asked in a tone of disbelief, "So you mean to tell me that is out of my money yuh sending yuh children to school?"

International Airport Test

A study was conducted recently to determine the average crime rate at international airports around the world. The study made use of an ordinary looking man standing in the airport terminal and reading a newspaper.

He had an empty briefcase next to him, which he would ignore. Observers then recorded how long it took for the briefcase to be snatched.

In Brussels, Belgium the case was stolen within 4 minutes and 20 seconds.

In Washington DC it was stolen within 3 minutes and 16 seconds.

At Heathrow, London the briefcase was snatched in less than 2 minutes.

In New York, the case was stolen within 1 minute and 5 seconds.

In Los Angeles it took only 43 seconds before the case was snatched.

In Kingston, Jamaica, the people conducting the study were robbed on the way to the airport and the briefcase was stolen along with their car!