The Preacher, The Lawyer, And The IRS Agent

An old preacher was dying. He sent a message for his IRS agent and his lawyer (both church members), to come to his home.

When they arrived, they were ushered up to his bedroom. As they entered the room, the preacher held out his hands and motioned for them to sit on each side of the bed. The preacher grasped their hands, sighed contentedly, smiled and stared at the ceiling.

For a time, no one said anything. Both the IRS agent and lawyer were touched and flattered that the old preacher would ask them to be with him during his final moment.

They, however, were also puzzled because the preacher had never given any indication that he particularly liked either one of them. Finally, the lawyer asked, "Preacher, why did you ask the two of us to come?"

The old preacher mustered up some strength, then said weakly, "Jesus died between two thieves, and that's how I want to go, too."

Only Jamaican

There were three men from the Caribbean living together in London;
a Trinidadian, a Barbadian and a Jamaican who were all starving
because they didn't have money to buy food. However, upon coming
close to a posh, fancy and very expensive restaurant they came up
with a plan.

The Trinidadian went in first. After being seated he ordered a three
course meal with white wine. When he had finished the meal the waiter
came by with the cheque.


"But I paid you!" the Trinidadian shouted. The waiter was very confused
as he could not remember being paid, but as he did not want to cause any
trouble...he let the Trini leave.


Five minutes later the Barbadian walked into the restaurant and
ordered a five course meal with red wine. When he was finished eating,
the waiter came by to collect the money for food. "But I paid you!"
The Barbadian shouted. This time the manager came and had to calm down
the Bajan, and as he did not want anything to upset the other customers
he let the Bajan go.


Ten minutes later the Jamaican walked in, sat down, lit a
cigarette, and ordered the most expensive meal on the menu plus two
Red Stripe beers. After he had finished, the waiter came to collect the
money for the meal and before asking for it, the waiter said, "Sir...
I have been having a sort of problem all day and I can't understand it.
Other people like you came in earlier and ate and they said that they
paid me but I don't remember getting any money from them,
so................. But Before he could finish, the
Jamaican chimed in loudly "Hear mi nuh boss,
that ah fi yu problem...jus gimme mi change!"

Your Parrot Is Dead!!

At dawn the telephone rings, 'Hello, boss? This is
> > > Leroy, the caretaker at > > your country house.'

> > > 'Ah yes, Leroy. What can I do for you? Is there a
> > > problem?'

> > > 'Um, I am just calling to advise you, boss, that
> > your parrot, he is dead.'

> > > 'My parrot? Dead? The one that won the
> > international competition?'

> > > 'yes boss, that's the one.'

> > > 'Damn! That's a pity! I spent a small fortune
> > on
> > > that bird. What did he die
> > > from?'

> > > 'From eating the rotten meat, boss.'

> > > 'Rotten meat? Who the hell fed him rotten
> > meat?'

> > > 'Nobody, boss. He ate the meat of the dead
> > horse.'

> > > 'Dead horse? What dead horse?'

> > > 'The thoroughbred, boss.'

> > > 'My prize thoroughbred that won the Cockspur Gold
> > > cup?'

> > > 'Yes,
> > boss. He died from all that work pulling the
> > > water cart.'

> > > 'Are you insane?? What water cart?'

> > > 'The one we used to put out the fire, boss.'

> > > 'Good Lord!! What fire are you talking about,
> > man?'

> > > 'The one at your house, boss! A candle fell and
> > the
> > > curtains caught on
> > > fire.'

> > > 'What the hell?? Are you saying that my mansion is
> > > destroyed because of a
> > > candle?'

> > > 'Yes, boss.'

> > > 'But there's electricity at the house!! What
> > was
> > > the candle for?'

> > > 'For the funeral, boss.'

> > > 'WHAT BLOODY FUNERAL??!!'

> > > 'Your wife's, boss, she showed up very late
> > one
> > > night and I thought she was
> > > a thief, so I hit her with your cricket bat -- the one
> > > which was autographed
> > > by Sobers, Lara and Viv.

> > > THEN THERE IS SILENCE...A LONG
> > SILENCE.FINALLY THE BOSS
> > > SPEAKS

> > > 'Leroy, if you bruk mi bat, you inna nuff rass
> > > trouble!!!'

The Criminal Catcher 2000

In U.S. they invented a machine that catches thieves: they took it out to different countries for a test.

In U.S.A, in 30 minutes it caught 250 thieves; UK, in 30 minutes it caught 500 thieves; Spain, in 20 minutes it caught 25 thieves; Ghana, in 10 minutes it caught 6,000 thieves; Jamaica, in 5 minutes the machine was stolen.